weirdo~

The sound of my fingers pressing the keys on my keyboard continuously fill up the silence. I used to stare at the screen trying to ignore what I feel. Like always. Sometimes everything just hurts so bad. That I stare at things like staring at a white screen, the stare of ignorance, perhaps a shield for my heart that is not even in one piece anymore. When I look at people around me smiling and laughing, I just wanna be like them. To not be a mess, at least. To not be so weak. I want to be able to trust my heart with feelings again. To have any feeling, and not be crushed so easily.

 My eyes caught on that proposal. Going back to my alma mater. A place I have been running away for years now. It seemed like a fast forward moment. I didnt realize, it has been measured in years already. Why I want to go back there? I dont. I just felt that it is something i should do. Something that probably would end up being insignificant, but it just a mere important matter. I think of what I would have to say when I meet the enthusiastic eyes of my juniors. or even my dearest friends. What should I say? In truth, I think, there was just too much that words are drained out already. Weird, the only word that came by in what I could tell them about: Death.

 Death makes life seems to be like a dream. It gives a fullstop to all the meanings of everything that are fana’. And I cant help thinking, that those would be just mere words continuously repeated, until death comes by so near to you…to the people you love. And when it is probably threatening my constant childhood friend now, my heart couldnt wait for trust to not be crushed. It already is. Crushed.